Just begin

September 7th, 2012

Oh, poor neglected blog readers, if any of you are still out there hello! How are you? (And I actually mean that. How are you?)

I am – all over the map. A leaf in the wind. I’m just going to write. Today, tomorrow, one random story at a time. See where I land when the wind stops.

A fellow hockey mom has a new baby. He’s about three months old and the most contented little thing. He sleeps against his mom’s chest in the baby-wearer through all the practices; he’s been awake at practice all of twice, and I got to hold him. There is also a new hockey daughter who’s about six months old, and I’ve held her, too, while her mom was getting not just one but two boys ready for practice. The old habits come right back – after two of my own they’re so deep in the bone, that up and down foot to foot rocking motion I made a thousand times over and then over again with each of the boys. A soft singing. My cheek to the top of their heads. It’s been surprisingly nice, holding these babies, and the other moms joke I look like a natural, am I getting ideas for another?

No. Not in a million years. Even if I weren’t too old, and too tired, and too logistically stretched to the limit, no. My postpartum depression after Boychen was so crushing that I’m still some days paying for it. Holding these babies feels surprisingly nice, and that makes me sad, because I was never happy when I held Boychen like that. It was never so simple. I look at NewMomFriend and her contented little boy and how she takes it all in stride – and of course I’m sure it’s hard, because new babies with two older boys are hard, but it seems like the normal hard for her, not the your doctor mentions the possibility of ¬†hospitals hard – and it makes me sad, too, all of the contented little moments of Boychen’s babyhood that I missed. I don’t want another baby, but I wouldn’t mind being able to remember just standing there rocking the Boychen and feeling so even-keeled about it all.

I wouldn’t mind being able to go back for one day, just one day, to refresh my memory of the baby Boychen, because I don’t have much of one. He must have been a delight.

So I’ve been thinking about that lately. When I’m that leaf in the wind, there is always rain.

Tell me something you’re doing or thinking or reading now that summer is slipping toward autumn.

2 Responses to “Just begin”

  1. Tracy on September 7, 2012 1:07 pm

    Glad to see you’re writing here again! Autumn has officially “slipped” in Helsinki. We’re already falling into winter. We returned from our US holiday last Friday and are settling into a fall routine. I’m contemplating a Montessori “school” for 1 – 3 year olds for my 18 month old two mornings a week. As much for him, as for me. He needs the social interaction, I think, and we’ll only be playing at the parks for another 6 weeks or so. And trying to figure out buying him fall and winter clothing. All needs to be down, now! Once I get that all squared, maybe I can think about something for me! Enjoy the autumn days!

  2. Jennifer on September 10, 2012 5:26 pm

    Hi Tracy,

    I imagine you are bit ahead of us in terms of fall – we’re still clinging to a few summer-like days here. Won’t last for long, and then the fog will roll in.

    Montessori sound like a good idea – for both of you! I tried to get Boychen into the local daycare when he was about three and he really really hated it and I gave up, but as a result I can see now that he’s in Kindergarten that he doesn’t quite know how to make a friend out of such a large group of kids. He’s a little overwhelmed. (Although just today he told me there’s a boy he’d like to “abmache” with – make a playdate. I didn’t realize I was a bit worried about him socially until I noticed how very happy I was to see him make this little first step. So that’s my goal for this week, to make sure I follow up on this with the boy’s mother. Stupid stuff like that is so hard for my shy self to do, but so important for the boys so – I will gather my social courage.)

    Enjoy the days at the park while you still can!

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