Just begin

September 7th, 2012

Oh, poor neglected blog readers, if any of you are still out there hello! How are you? (And I actually mean that. How are you?)

I am – all over the map. A leaf in the wind. I’m just going to write. Today, tomorrow, one random story at a time. See where I land when the wind stops.

A fellow hockey mom has a new baby. He’s about three months old and the most contented little thing. He sleeps against his mom’s chest in the baby-wearer through all the practices; he’s been awake at practice all of twice, and I got to hold him. There is also a new hockey daughter who’s about six months old, and I’ve held her, too, while her mom was getting not just one but two boys ready for practice. The old habits come right back – after two of my own they’re so deep in the bone, that up and down foot to foot rocking motion I made a thousand times over and then over again with each of the boys. A soft singing. My cheek to the top of their heads. It’s been surprisingly nice, holding these babies, and the other moms joke I look like a natural, am I getting ideas for another?

No. Not in a million years. Even if I weren’t too old, and too tired, and too logistically stretched to the limit, no. My postpartum depression after Boychen was so crushing that I’m still some days paying for it. Holding these babies feels surprisingly nice, and that makes me sad, because I was never happy when I held Boychen like that. It was never so simple. I look at NewMomFriend and her contented little boy and how she takes it all in stride – and of course I’m sure it’s hard, because new babies with two older boys are hard, but it seems like the normal hard for her, not the your doctor mentions the possibility of ¬†hospitals hard – and it makes me sad, too, all of the contented little moments of Boychen’s babyhood that I missed. I don’t want another baby, but I wouldn’t mind being able to remember just standing there rocking the Boychen and feeling so even-keeled about it all.

I wouldn’t mind being able to go back for one day, just one day, to refresh my memory of the baby Boychen, because I don’t have much of one. He must have been a delight.

So I’ve been thinking about that lately. When I’m that leaf in the wind, there is always rain.

Tell me something you’re doing or thinking or reading now that summer is slipping toward autumn.