Right now, what do you want?

January 1st, 2011

My brother-in-law just came up the drive on his chestnut horse. Two rides in two days. He smiled and waved – even though I have my studio downstairs I do a lot of my writing at the kitchen table in front of the big window where I can look out at the woods and watch the birds, where I can see the boys when they come running across the yard from their grandparents’ house, where I catch a glimpse of my brother-in-law starting or finishing a ride.

Where I am in the middle of things.

It’s quiet right now – the boys are at the grandparents lighting sparklers and Tischbombes and who knows what all New Years’ Day fun; R had to make an emergency grocery run in the city because I didn’t plan well for the long weekend and the only grocery stores allowed to open on holidays are the ones in the train station; J is probably brushing down his horse in the stall. It is dusk, but it is not yet dark and my computer tells me it is 5:03 p.m. This is an improvement, that it is not yet dark.

Already we are tilting towards the sun again.

At the after-holiday sales I bought the six year old Small Boy a sweater sized for an eight-year old; it is only a tiny bit large. He grows when I am not looking, he grows in his sleep, he grows even when the days are short and the rest of nature has taken a break from the growing season. Yesterday he got in a pick-up hockey game (matchle, in Swiss, or chneble) with a bunch of ten- and twelve-year-olds. He got in the goal and didn’t flinch when a band of big boys bore down on him. HeĀ matchled with the big kids for two hours. He wants to go again.

He grows when I am not looking.

Right now, I want this: To be happy that J can start riding his beloved horse again. To know that the boys are lighting sparklers with the grandparents and feeling mischievous that they’re sneaking something when Mama’s not looking. To steal a quiet hour in the house. To have these boys growing up, growing into themselves in unexpected ways. To be in the middle of this.

Right now, what do you want?