Comments on: Lather, rinse, repeat

By: Crafty Green Poet

Crafty Green Poet — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:03:58 +0000

I really like the long story in the first, the second is tighter and normally I would always prefer more concise to less so but part of me does the prefer the first version of this, though i ove the ending of the second and for me blue lipped exaltation is brilliant,

By: Rob Kistner

Rob Kistner — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 19:09:16 +0000

I like both, and fully enjoyed reading each. However, while I found the second to be an interesting edit — I love your original. I find the second to be quite tasty, but the first — I find to be sumptuous.

I found the fleshed-out flashbacks of the first brought a deeper personalization to the relationship of the two friends — and I really liked the unbroken form. The unspoiled continuity gave me the sense of running, non-stop down the dock, to leap into the cold water.

You have two fine poems here — IMHO…

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 12:18:26 +0000

Well this is very interesting – I guess it goes to the point January made in her article on revision that there can be too much revision. The balancing act of tightening the poem without revising the initial passion out of it. Then again, it also just goes to the question of taste and preferences.

I remember making a conscious decision to introduce stanzas into the revision to gain some control over the previous drafts which I felt slithered a bit out of control, blurry around the edges.

By: Linda Jacobs

Linda Jacobs — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 02:50:44 +0000

I like the tightness of the second but I miss the long hair image you created in the first. I got goosebumps just reading it!

By: Nathan

Nathan — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 20:01:28 +0000

This is a good poem in both versions. There are aspects of the second that help its intention (as I see it of course). The punctuation and condensation of images help the sense of movement and “exaltation.” It’s more direct. These aspects give direction and focus to the final “But even I knew that here…” That sense of knowing is stronger in the second version and the whole poem is leading up to this moment.

By: Jo

Jo — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:24:44 +0000

Well this may not make me popular but I prefer the first version…..it flows beautifully and for me is more emotive, though both are strong writes. I think the contrast between the two is highlighted better in a solid piece rather than broken up. (ps I do like stray dog and licked the soles of my feet better though.)

By: Lirone

Lirone — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 15:54:09 +0000

Much tighter in the revision… breaking up into verses makes it much easier to read somehow, and makes the repetition stand out more. I particularly liked the condensation of the toe shin knee thigh line – brings it into rhythm with the one two three four.

If I were to be critical, I’d say two blue-lipped exaltations is a bit much… but overall a really great read.